Were you watching Oprah the other day?
She interviewed Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York. Sarah said some very revealing thoughts about her lack of self-esteem and how she still hasn’t quite understood how she sabotaged her wonderful lifestyle, living in the Palace in London, married to the 2nd in line for the throne of England, and mother of 2 beautiful daughters and best friend of Dianna.
Sarah said, “I had it all and I blew it. I made a mistake and I did it wrong!"
You're not alone Duchess. Many people, especially women, stop or turn around just when things are going well. Why? Because they have this unconscious commitment to screw it up and they don't know why! If it makes you feel better, Sarah lost everything! Her husband, position, finances and dignity!
The cry came loud and clear when Sarah boldly exclaimed, “How do you build self-esteem!”
First let’s take a look at the definition of self-esteem. Self-esteem is that inner sense that fills you with both calm and excitement, at the same time for the day ahead. It’s a close cousin to self-confidence which is the voice in your head saying, “Go for it. You can do it!”
Not everyone has esteem because self-esteem is learned and built from a solid family and support structure that offers one success at a time. It’s about success and why you sabotage or fail more than you achieve what you truly desire.
Do you want to sleep in, pull the covers over your head and cry more than you laugh?
Are you hearing voices in your head that berate you just like your mom did?
Are you hiding behind too much food or spending too much money you don’t have?
Do you believe in yourself? Or are your goals just another form of self-abuse when you don’t complete or meet them?
If your success ratio is way below your fail ratio, it could be that you have a harsh case of low self-esteem.
When I finally discovered why I had more failures than successes, I whooped at the absurdity of the core issue. But I had to really be willing to dig deeper than I had before. What I discovered with that I had an unconscious (a belief that I didn’t know I had) commitment (a strong belief to “always” do this) that whatever decision I made in life, career, relationship or money, would fail.
Can you see how that commitment worked? I learned early on in life, what I wanted to do would fail because my parents told me so. I learned early on in life, who I wanted to be with was flawed and I wasn’t making smart decisions because my dad told me so. I learned early on in life, that my dream to educate myself was a bad decision because my family told me they couldn’t afford the added expense.
I finally concluded and lived out this unconscious commitment that whatever I decided to be , do or have, would fail! This became my personal self fulfilling prophecy. Within 2 years or less, I failed at whatever opportunity came to me.
I’ll give you a few examples. My first big job was to type out the weather reports for the local motor association. I was asked to go on radio and broadcast the reports (instead of typing them!) I said no – out of pure unknown fear.
I further educated myself and received a Masters in Education. I was approached to apply for a Superintendency – the ultimate administrative position in Education. I said, you guessed it, NO!
I can’t go on because it literally pains me to acknowledge that I sabotaged tremendous opportunities and only now do I recognize why. But I digress. Let’s get back to you.
You get excited about meeting the perfect guy, getting married and raising a family. But later, you discover you have issues with intimacy and money. The relationship fails. For some of you, it’s within months, for others a few years. And so many divorces are mostly considered failures. Not all, most.
You read books about positive thinking and learn new strategies to make more money or work harder. But then, within a short time, that too falters and you feel like a failure yet again.
Without knowing what is running your life from the inside out, you're setting yourself up for failure after failure.
So what can you do?
How do you find out what your driving unconscious commitment that is not serving your life for the better?
And honestly, why do so few people know how to tap into the unconscious and pull up those pesky beliefs that just don’t work?
Finding your unconscious commitment to sabotaging your lifestyle actually has a payoff. Yes, you act out for a very good reason. Although it doesn’t appear to be such a wonderful result each time you get fired, or your relationship ends, or you find yourself in deeper debt. The truth is, there is a payoff and it’s your job to find it.
But how in tarnation do you find that core payoff?
Your first step is to be totally honest with yourself. For example, far too many books and treatises on self-confidence and self-empowerment tell you to believe in yourself.
What does that mean?
But to take it a step further, let's say you know in your head you believe that you have the skills, enough good looks and talents to carry off a job or to find the perfect mate and live happily ever after.
Now, listen to how you talk to yourself the next time some stuff happens that begins your internal conversation of “Here we go again!”
Hear that? That little comment, “here we go again”, is your clue you are already in the beginning stages of sabotaging yet another opportunity that has come to you.
Take the time to relax, breathe, and acknowledge that remark. It is with careful and diligent awareness that you will discover what’s behind the things you tell yourself about yourself.
Would you consider that a small remark like “Here we go again!” is one way of you being right? If being right is important to you, and you decide that feeling bad about a situation gives you permission to feel right about how stupid they are, or how hungry you are, or you deserve that pair of shoes even if you don’t have the money right now to pay for them. You see? You get to be right.
Then listen for more verbal clues. And don’t forget, tap into how you feel in the moment when something less than satisfactory comes up for you. If it feels crappy, that’s your clue to take time to listen to your self-talk.
The beauty with discovering what makes you afraid and quit along the way, is that you get to meet the real you.
By the way, my payoff was I held my father on a pedestal. I wanted him to be right. So my little voice made sure I screwed up because I was a good little daughter. He was right, and I wasn’t! If he said I should do this and I did that, then I had to screw it up! Because he would be right and I would not.
As you begin this discovery journey, you’ll find a miraculous thing begin to happen. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you may even smile more. Ask a good friend to catch you in the act of calling yourself down. Get a coach and begin the process in earnest.
How else do you know what that unconscious belief is?
My favourite exercise is upon waking each morning, I imagine a bubble in front of me. I imagine a golden ray of light filling the bubble from above. Below, the bubble is connected with a grounding cord stabilizing the bubble to the center of the earth. In the bubble I put my day’s intention.
For example, today I put the notion that I will discover, effortlessly, with grace, love and fun, my unconscious commitment to become totally aware of any limiting beliefs that keep me from having the best relationship I could ever have!
Then I say these words before releasing it to the universe to fulfill the commitment for me. “This or something better!”
I release the bottom grounding cord and let the universe or God take over.
Finding your inner commitment that gives you the payback is so critical. Without this, your chances at success are about as good as winning the Lotto 649 or the house in the Hospital Lottery foundation in south Terwilligar!
Sadly, it will be almost impossible unless…
You make a shift and then miracles happen: you may experience increased health benefits.
You may experience more financial rewards.
You may be able to walk into a social gathering knowing you everyone is being drawn to talk to you.
With happiness comes confidence and with confidence your dreams can come true.
As daunting as self discovery may appear, without it, you lose out, big time!
Great job today,